Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
