Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
