She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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