why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
