as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
