Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
