I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
