Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
