I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
