I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
