Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
