I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
