come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
