Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
