i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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