it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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