I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
