I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
