mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
