mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
