And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
What a fucking waste of an outfit
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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