All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
