Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
