Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
