tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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