Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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