Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
