This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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