Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
