Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
