My hand turned me down
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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