my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
