I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
