Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
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