Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
