So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
