There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Randomize
