Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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