we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
