i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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