this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
