I need help removing her.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
