Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
