I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
it's not cheating when I paid for it
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
