You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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