I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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