I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
