i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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