she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
