if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
