kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
